Yes, I just broke my blog hiatus for this

So Aaron has this sebaceous cyst thing on his back, and first of all I should tell you that you do NOT want to do a google image search for “sebaceous cyst,” that is NOT the proper way to diagnose your husband’s skin maladies and the things you will see in your search results cannot be unseen. And so but he’s had this cyst thing on his back for probably ten years, and at some point we discovered that it isn’t just a bump, it’s a bump that I can squeeze like a pimple and if I squeeze it hard enough it squirts out stinky white goo, but then it always comes back no matter how much goo I squeeze out. We call it, fondly, his tumor.

So I was reading online about sebaceous cysts, and I learned that sometimes doctors remove them, if they’re like in an annoying place or they get infected or anything, and what they do is they use a scalpel to make a little incision just a few millimeters long across the cyst, and then they squeeze it like a pimple and all the stuff just squirts out, and they keep squeezing until the actual walls of the cyst come out the incision and then it’s gone for good and it won’t grow back. But apparently, when the doctors do this procedure, they are advised to wear protective eyewear, because the cyst can just like ERUPT, and there are accounts of the goo squirting out onto the far wall of the exam room, etc.

This is totally disgusting, obviously, but also fascinating, because let’s face it when your spouse gets a pimple there is a certain amount of glee you take in squeezing it until all the pimple has been squeezed out and then it’s just that clear liquidy stuff. And sometimes if you catch the corner of his nose just right you can get half a dozen of those tiny invisible blackheads to squish out all at the same time, and it’s almost sexual the satisfaction you get.

Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.

But so this is how I found myself approaching my husband’s unsuspecting back with a serrated steak knife this morning. He was not very receptive to my impromptu outpatient procedure, but after I described the potential for squirting and erupting he acquiesced, but only until we figured out that the knife wasn’t sharp enough for really slitting the cyst open, I was going to have to do more like back-and-forth sawing, at which point he rescinded his permission. So I don’t yet have any firsthand cyst-eruption stories to add to the internet, but ask me again late tonight, after he’s asleep.


1 Response to “Yes, I just broke my blog hiatus for this”

  1. 1 Rachel September 21, 2009 at 1:58 am

    Ok, so I am so glad that I am not alone on this!!

    Matt gets a cyst like that every now and then, and I have tried to lance them myself. I got this idea after mentioning the whole thing to mom and finding out that evidently dad has them, and mom has almost gone pro with her lancing techniques.

    At first we tried a kitchen knife. Well you know how well that works. Then we decided to just pop it with a needle and see what happenned. That was good for explosive effects, but useless in removing the essential part of the cyst.

    Mom says the only way to do it is with a lot of tissue, gloves, and a razor. Yeah, a straight razor. Matt won’t go for that, so we are still just poking with a needle. I keep some razors around just in case my powers of persuasion ever actually work 😛

    BTW- Just have to throw in the disclaimer: be sure to use a sterile needle. Those cysts are like a incubator for bacteria, i would think.

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